17 Tips for Thriving in a Recession: Get Rich or Die Trying

Self-help tips, wealth generation strategies, photo collage, 2009 

These are tough times in America. We're dealing with record unemployment, the stock market has tanked, and banks aren't lending any money. Many of us have experienced the loss of unemployment and almost all of us have lost a portion of our savings. In order to help my fellow man during these trying times, I developed some sure-fire ways to get you out of a rut and on the path to riches! My strategies are specially designed for a bad economy, but they'll still work once the economy improves. If you follow my 17 Tips for Thriving in a Recession, you'll probably find that you're making more money today than you were when the economy was strong! 

You've undoubtedly heard about other self-help strategies that promise to make you rich. Well, let me tell you, none of them work. What makes the "17 Tips for Thriving in a Recession" so special is that these tips are designed to play offense and defense, just like in sports. The offensive tips will equip you with simple, aggressive strategies to make money, and lots of it. The defensive strategies will help you save the money that you currently have. Make money and save money. Now that's what I call a winning combo!

[Special Note: If you are a book publisher interested in helping me get these tips out to a wider audience, please contact me at aquietmoment@gmail.com. Please write, "I WANT TO GIVE YOU A BOOK DEAL" in the subject line of your e-mail.]

17 Tips for Thriving in a Recession

Tip #1: If you start your own pyramid scheme, you are guaranteed to be at the top of the pyramid!

Tip #2: Avoid excercise and physical exertion as much as possible. 

Note: Excercise = Increased Metabolism = More Food = Spending More MONEY!

Tip #3: Cash4Gold is a fantastic resource. Gold is everywhere and now you can turn it into cash. Start with the easily accessible gold; you can get it from book bindings, teeth, Goldschläger, and relatives.

Tip #4: Reuse old t-shirts and towels as cleaning rags and make your own soap out of lard.

Note: This one is green-friendly.

Tip #5: Anyone can make herbal male enhancement pills. Put caffeine and salt in a capsule and start selling!

Note: As long as the pills are herbal, this is completely legal. However, you may find that your sales improve dramatically if you throw in a pinch of "illegal" ingredients like methamphetamines. 

Tip #6: The exchange rate for cans and bottles in Michigan is $0.10, more than double the $0.05 you get in most states. Get a truck and take your empties there!

Tip #7: Write economic self-help tips on the internet, sell the rights to a publisher, and start making big-time money!

Tip #8: If you make counterfeit money, you should only make ones and fives. The Feds are only after the big bills.

Note: Have you ever seen a cashier hold a $5 bill up to the light to see a watermark? Exactly, they only do that with big bills! 

Tip #9: Pay your landlord whatever rent you feel like. He/she won't evict you right away and if you make strange payments, like $832.14, they might not remember exactly how much you owe them!

Tip #10: If you see an empty parking spot on the street, wait and help the next car get into the space. You might get a tip for your services!

Note: Some people recommend that you key the car if you don't receive a tip. This is foolish and doesn't result in any more money for you. The trick is to look threatening while being polite.

 

Tip #11: Now is not a bad time to be in prison. You can't beat the free room and board and you'll have a chance to get out, debt-free, once the markets recover!

Tip #12: Related to Tip #11, nonviolent crimes like pyramid schemes and counterfeiting yield long sentences in minimum security prisons. Trust me, you DO NOT want to end up in a maximum security prison!

Tip #13: This one isn't obvious, but it's worth mentioning. Write out your hopes and dreams on a cocktail napkin and put it under your pillow before you sleep.

Note: For best results, do this every night. 

Tip #14: If you are a guy or a gal with long hair, you should cut it off and sell it to a doll factory for big-time cash!

Tip #15: Live by the 'Five H's': Hygiene (obvious), Hyperbole (exaggerate everything), Handshake (very firm), Hard Work (duh, obvious), and Harassment (don't do it). 

Tip #16: Hide a dead mouse in your salad at TGI Friday's or Chili's. If you don't get caught, you'll rake in a huge cash settlement!

Note: Save this tip as a last resort. If for some reason you aren't rich after following the first 15 tips, then go ahead with this one. It's timeless and incredibly effective!

Tip #17: Whatever feels good, do it! 

 

I'm confident these tips will help you come out on the other end of this recession with more money than you know what to do with. Again, if you know any book publishers, please let them know about the "17 Tips For Thriving in a Recession". 

Also, now that I've given you these nuggets of wisdom, I have a small favor to ask. If these tips help you become wealthy (and I know they will), I'd really appreciate it if you could kick a little of that cash back at me. I think a 10% cut is fair, but I'm a realist, and I know that I might need to accept less than that. Do the right thing and send money to A Quiet Moment Amongst Friends. 

 

UPDATE: May 12, 2009. Apparently a San Francisco couple decided to bypass the first 15 Tips and go straight to Tip 16. Like I said, use caution with this one.

UPDATE 2: May 15, 2009. Here's another follower of the 17 Tips! I can't tell if this Bay Area guy screwed up Tip #8 by counterfeiting large bills, or if he succeeded at Tip #12. It doesn't really matter, he'll come out on top. 

Comments

[kevin r]

Rather than rent a truck and drive all the way to Michigan. Here's what you can do to earn cash back!

1. Take pictures of individual cans
2. Scan the UPC labels of your cans into computer.
3. PUT in hard drive and backup on external hard drive. This is very important for documentation purposes.
4. Send all cans (NO BOTTLES) through regular mail to my address. They cannot be crushed.
5. Photoshop all UPC codes into individual pictures of cans and send them to my email. (make sure the right UPC codes go with right can! You can do this while waiting for cans to arrive at my house!)
6. After I have received the cans, please send money order for 20 dollars along with a SASE to my address for processing fees! (Very important, without this, I can't properly process cans. Hey, I'm only one person!)
7. Now here's the fun part. You can actually track your money ON-LINE! After I process cans at grocery store I will send a mobile text to my twitter account telling you how much money you are about to make.
8. After this, you have two options: I can mail you the in-store grocery credit receipts and you can cash them when you next visit Michigan OR if you are a gold member you can have me cash in the in-store receipts and mail you the cash.

Thanks Johnu.
Could you write a testimonial for me so I can share them with my "Yes, we CAN!" networking associates. I am three clients away from being a Star 1000 level captain. If anyone is interested in the software to get started yourself please email me.

[Carl W]

I am about to go to prison for a crime I committed before I read the blog. Should I still send you 30% of my post-prison earnings?

[John U]

Carl, great question. Being in prison, independent of the other 16 Tips, is a method for saving money.

Once you get out of prison and start making pills and helping people to parallel park, then you should send me 30%.

Sorry for not making that clearer.

[Ben H]

If someone could explain to me the Scientological implication of these strategies I would be very appreciative. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE.

[Carl W]

They don't do carpooling in New York, but if you live somewhere that does, here's an idea from smart Indonesians:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/13/world/asia/13indo.html?hp