Self-help tips, wealth generation strategies, photo collage, 2009
[Special Note: If you are a book publisher interested in helping me get these tips out to a wider audience, please contact me at email@example.com. Please write, "I WANT TO GIVE YOU A BOOK DEAL" in the subject line of your e-mail.]
Tip #1: If you start your own pyramid scheme, you are guaranteed to be at the top of the pyramid!
Tip #2: Avoid excercise and physical exertion as much as possible.
Note: Excercise = Increased Metabolism = More Food = Spending More MONEY!
Tip #3: Cash4Gold is a fantastic resource. Gold is everywhere and now you can turn it into cash. Start with the easily accessible gold; you can get it from book bindings, teeth, Goldschläger, and relatives.
Tip #4: Reuse old t-shirts and towels as cleaning rags and make your own soap out of lard.
Note: This one is green-friendly.
Tip #5: Anyone can make herbal male enhancement pills. Put caffeine and salt in a capsule and start selling!
Note: As long as the pills are herbal, this is completely legal. However, you may find that your sales improve dramatically if you throw in a pinch of "illegal" ingredients like methamphetamines.
Tip #6: The exchange rate for cans and bottles in Michigan is $0.10, more than double the $0.05 you get in most states. Get a truck and take your empties there!
Tip #7: Write economic self-help tips on the internet, sell the rights to a publisher, and start making big-time money!
Tip #8: If you make counterfeit money, you should only make ones and fives. The Feds are only after the big bills.
Note: Have you ever seen a cashier hold a $5 bill up to the light to see a watermark? Exactly, they only do that with big bills!
Tip #9: Pay your landlord whatever rent you feel like. He/she won't evict you right away and if you make strange payments, like $832.14, they might not remember exactly how much you owe them!
Tip #10: If you see an empty parking spot on the street, wait and help the next car get into the space. You might get a tip for your services!
Note: Some people recommend that you key the car if you don't receive a tip. This is foolish and doesn't result in any more money for you. The trick is to look threatening while being polite.
Tip #11: Now is not a bad time to be in prison. You can't beat the free room and board and you'll have a chance to get out, debt-free, once the markets recover!
Tip #12: Related to Tip #11, nonviolent crimes like pyramid schemes and counterfeiting yield long sentences in minimum security prisons. Trust me, you DO NOT want to end up in a maximum security prison!
Tip #13: This one isn't obvious, but it's worth mentioning. Write out your hopes and dreams on a cocktail napkin and put it under your pillow before you sleep.
Note: For best results, do this every night.
Tip #14: If you are a guy or a gal with long hair, you should cut it off and sell it to a doll factory for big-time cash!
Tip #15: Live by the 'Five H's': Hygiene (obvious), Hyperbole (exaggerate everything), Handshake (very firm), Hard Work (duh, obvious), and Harassment (don't do it).
Note: Save this tip as a last resort. If for some reason you aren't rich after following the first 15 tips, then go ahead with this one. It's timeless and incredibly effective!
Tip #17: Whatever feels good, do it!
Also, now that I've given you these nuggets of wisdom, I have a small favor to ask. If these tips help you become wealthy (and I know they will), I'd really appreciate it if you could kick a little of that cash back at me. I think a 10% cut is fair, but I'm a realist, and I know that I might need to accept less than that. Do the right thing and send money to A Quiet Moment Amongst Friends.
UPDATE: May 12, 2009. Apparently a San Francisco couple decided to bypass the first 15 Tips and go straight to Tip 16. Like I said, use caution with this one.
UPDATE 2: May 15, 2009. Here's another follower of the 17 Tips! I can't tell if this Bay Area guy screwed up Tip #8 by counterfeiting large bills, or if he succeeded at Tip #12. It doesn't really matter, he'll come out on top.